Many heterosexual male clients have shared with me that they selected their partners without taking sexual attraction into account.
In couples therapy sessions, these men often express confusion about their lack of desire in the presence of their partners.
Reasons such as stress, low testosterone, or anxiety are commonly cited.
How does it feel to be fingered the first time?
However, during individual sessions, a different narrative emerges. These men reveal that they chose their partners without placing importance on sexual attraction.
The question arises: why would someone choose a life partner without feeling that initial spark of sexual attraction? Can relationships like these endure and flourish? Is it possible to develop sexual attraction later on, even if it was absent initially?
I have conversed with numerous men in their thirties who have admitted, “When I decided to marry her, she met all the criteria. Except one.”
The criteria typically include qualities like “being my best friend,” “having the potential to be an amazing mother,” “having great compatibility with our friends and families,” and “genuine love for me.” Surprisingly, sexual attraction is often not even mentioned.
This revelation left me astonished.
Sexuality is a crucial element that sets romantic relationships apart from platonic ones. I believe it serves as a form of “relationship glue” that helps couples navigate challenges together. Therefore, I am perplexed by the fact that many individuals underestimate the significance of sexual compatibility when choosing a long-term partner.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, emphasizes that while physical attractiveness is typically considered important in a romantic partner, traits such as intelligence, humor, honesty, and kindness are often equally, if not more, crucial.
Some men have adopted a binary view of women, categorizing them as either ideal wives and mothers or potential sexual partners.
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